I find myself sitting here now, wondering how I get myself into certain situations. So currently I'm in this level "design" class. I was convinced by the professor of the class that it would be a great class for me to take....but four weeks into the class I realize now that instead of being art based it's programming based; so instead of being a level "design" class it's a level "development" class. This is a huge problem for me because I am absolutely terrible at programming. I've tried for seven years to force myself to learn programming so I could follow in my father's footsteps, but I just can't.  It's not like I haven't put any effort into the class, but it seems like every effort I've tried has been for naught. It's stressing me out because I feel like I'm wasting my time in this class, but I can't gracefully bow out of it because I need the credits in order to graduate (No, it's not a required class, but I'm heading towards the end of my time at college and every credit counts now). On top of that I really respect the professor of the class and I can't stand to see him disappointed in me, but that's what he says. >.< I pretty much have no choice but to power through the remaining six weeks of the class and just pass and that's not going to be fun or easy. It takes three times as long to accomplish a quarter as much as I do in my other classes and I'm forced to devote time I really don't have to this class which is taking away time I have for other classes, classes whose work WILL end up in my demo reel and portfolio.

So currently I keep dancing between depression, determination, being horribly sick, having migraines, stress, panicking and being oddly calm. The calm, though, is like the calm a prisoner feels before their execution. Add to that, I'm prone to panic attacks. I've been really good about not having them over the last year, but I keep feeling them creeping up, which is not good. I don't like coming across as a lazy emo kid, but I feel like that's how I'm acting. I'm tough and I can power through things, and I WILL succeed in my industry, but this class is trying to kill me.

The good news is that I've received some great feedback from people that I respect who have worked in the industry. They seem confident that I can succeed and they've offered me great advice, feedback and critique. At this point I just have to sit down and seriously focus, then all will be well and I'll be working somewhere I want in the industry one day. I have to say as a warning to anyone who wants to work in the game industry, movie industry or just work as a 3D artist, you have to be prepared to sit down and study on your own. Make sure you enjoy what you do because, unless you're uniquely gifted, it will be a long process. You will pull long hours in front of the computer, sometimes just to complete a single model. All school can really teach you is technique and the basic tool set, after that it's going to be up to you to learn on your own and stay up to date. The great thing about this field is that you don't have to spend a lot of money on required textbooks and as a student you can get versions of the the various 3D programs for free, so use the money to buy reference books and make sure to read them; not necessarily cover to cover, but definitely read them.

I'm just glad that the world isn't scary anymore. I'm in my third year and I'm confident that I can meet most challenges that try to smack me down. Granted this particular class is probably going to be that one exception. I won't give up and whine about it being too hard, though I might complain every so often. The complaining is just a stress and depression relief though so that I can jump right back into the class and power through the last six weeks I have of it. I'm just glad that I have a fantastic support network; I have great friends who are always there for me, I have my daddy who has my back and is willing to kick my butt when I need it, I have a wonderful boyfriend (Who nursed me back to health yesterday when I was really sick) and then there's his family who try to include me in everything and have basically absorbed me into their arms.

I'd like to believe there is a god of some sort out there, personally I believe that for me the god takes the form of Sekhmet. Sekhmet has given me a lot of help to gather my strength and fight through many hardships I've suffered over the past two years. I've realized that this world can be a kind and loving place if we learn to look past the icky and cruel bits.

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